Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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