woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
