You work out of a Hotel?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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