if you like me you must not know who I am
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
