Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
