I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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