Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
