And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
