We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
