We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
