I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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