How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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