I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
