she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
