Who wears a wallet chain?!
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I yelled at your uterus for you.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
