I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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