could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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