we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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