I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
