Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
