If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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