i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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