If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sext me about skeletons
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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