Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
