you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
