And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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