Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
