I wish I could teleport
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
