Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My penis needs a shock collar
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
