i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
