I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
