the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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