She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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