i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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