Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
