you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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