Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
