that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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