and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
