Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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