mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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