Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
