if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
