I can tuck mytits in my pants
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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