we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
