12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
