I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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