Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
