I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
