Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
