im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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