I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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