At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
