So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
