Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
